i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
