i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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