hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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