apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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