I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
