Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
