Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
