i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
