I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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