i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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