i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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