I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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