I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
