do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
