It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
