The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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