The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
