Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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