Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
