i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
