At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
