Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't deserve a penis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
