Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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