I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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