Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I touched a dick in church today
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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