I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
