I'm eating all of the evidence.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
