You made me cry and you don't even care
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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