Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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