This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
