Don't make out with my wife yet
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
