i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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