i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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