The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm just crazy horny about you
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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