So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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