If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my phone needs a breathalizer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
