I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
