Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
