You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time