I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.