The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused