So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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