Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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