laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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