I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
