We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
