My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
