We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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