life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
