There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
