Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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