in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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