my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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