His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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