My liver just broke up with me...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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