i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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