god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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