My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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